Defiled states of mind

Depression – a mind when defilements takes over and the good qualities of the mind are missing.

This was the definition given by a meditation teacher. An explanation so lovely and comforting. One would never understand the real meaning of depression unless one goes through it.

A world where there is no joy, happiness & contentment at all. There‘s only anger, hatred, misperception, ill-feelings, self guilt, regrets, emptiness and the list goes on.. Your facade tries to be happy. Laughing and smiling the way you use to but deep down inside the pain – both emotional and physical is burning. You desire to feel happy but the happiness and joy just can't be felt at all. Drained to the extent that getting out from bed is a bad dream and stepping out your room is a nightmare. Mood & temperaments swings daily up and down just like a roller coaster ride. And it is a ride that you will never forget.

And then you question the mind; Why is this happening ? When will this stop ? How could an extremely positive and assertive person ever gets to feel the depth of this so called dis-ease of the mind? Is this called "going through depressing moments" or is this the depressed states of the mind? One will never know the difference. All that is felt are just sufferings and more sufferings swirling and emotions spiraling all the way down.

How can one understand the workings of this word call depression ?

Whenever the traumatic thought comes in the mind, the defiled emotions arises and transforms to a physical sensation in the body. It always does. This follows by the feelings of disintegration of the energies as the mind is pulled one way , the emotions the other way.

You use the mind when you try to look for solutions but who would have thought that the mind is actually the real culprit ? You are a slave to your mind. No, its not the mind, its the thoughts that goes on in the mind and the believe and clinging to the thoughts. You discover that a whole lot of defiled emotions such as fears, anger and guilt beneath the thoughts, supporting the thoughts like a strong stump supporting the growing branches of an old decaying tree.

Never a day , when you would want to get rid of this unpleasant going-ons in the mind but feeling just helpless and tired, wishing to cave in to the thoughts believing the authencity that they are real... and on & on it goes .. Day by day... hours by hours... minutes by minutes... moments by moments...

You know you will want to find a way out when you know that its actually all happening within one self.. Just knowing but how ? Ways unfold when it should unfold when you tell yourself that you have suffered enough !

A saying goes : You can never solve the same problem using the same mind..

I never realised to look at it from a different angle.

Knowing that the thoughts comes & goes makes you a stronger person ,and finally the tool is awareness.

Awareness makes you see that your thoughts are not what you are, your thoughts just comes & goes. Though thoughts of the moments of despair has gone, and holding on to that same thought, clinging to that same thought happens when your awareness is weak. And when we realise this , a little clarity comes along. Is this how the defilements stays ?

You mean we just give up holding on to our thoughts ? Question the thoughts ? Let go of the thoughts ? It was never ever anyone or anything that gives us depressed moments. Just our thoughts, holding on to them and feeding them. Be there when the defiled thoughts comes in, be very there also when it transpires to the emotions and the physical sensations in the body. Once when clear and strong awareness arrives, we will be able to understand what is it all about.

Understand how the mind works, bring in the awareness, clarity will follow. Clarity is when knowing what is is What Is. And this is when the defiled state of minds drops away by itself... and when that happens the undefiled qualities of the mind takes over. And this is when the inner peace and happiness replaces the emptiness and the feelings of endlessness. And this is what we aspire for ultimately...

A quote from a kind & loving teacher who helped ~
The spiritual aim is to let go, but it is not our job to do so. Rather, we cultivate the mind so that it becomes stable and is able to see things as they are. Then letting go happens without anyone letting go of anything.
Bikkhu Kumara

Unhappiness ultimately arises not from the circumstances of your life, but from the conditioning of your mind.
Eckhart Tolle