♪ Smile - Charlie Chaplin

A beautiful song by a sad & lonely person who's aim was just to bring a Smile to everyone. ~Charlie Chaplin's Smile~
Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking.
When there are clouds in the sky
you'll get by.

If you smile through your pain and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through
For you.
Light up your face with gladness,
Hide every trace of sadness.
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying.
You'll find that life is still worthwhile-
If you just smile....

THE LAST CRY

THE LAST CRY....

How does one says sorry ? Sorry. Just Sorry ! Sorry for the pain and anger I had put you through. I did not mean for you to suffer along with me and yet at times I did. Pain, anger and confusion was looming and it was these days that I want to escape and the only way was to put it outward. Finally, it is time for me to say goodbye as ‘YOU’ have lingered long enough for me to really wake up from this lie.

When I called YOU selfish and irresponsible, I was also reflecting on myself. When I said you abandoned me, it was me who abandoned you at one point, and I surely did abandon myself too. When you saw faults in me, you were looking at your own faults. When I was angry at you, I was angry at myself. When I judged you, I was actually judging myself. If you think that you have failed me, I think that I am a failure too.. On & on. It is always a mirror vibrational effect. Of course, we did not know better then...

Deep down I really, really know you tried your best and I know that I was unfair to you times when my emotions were deceiving me. I also did try my very best with US. Thank you for doing your best. Please be free from guilt, anger or hatred as I know these defiled feelings will result in unbearable sufferings.

We are confused creatures. We think we know so much, but every day is a learning journey for US. Everyday, if right energies are put in, the outcome will be magical. I'm beginning to enjoy this insightful journey, moment by moment. Then again there are days of sadness too. I too hope that you will find your way in life and also find your life's purpose, then you will be very clear on your future. To realise this, is to have freedom and happiness inside ourselves. This will be our shadow for life.

When time and conditions are right to make peace within myself, I will be able to make peace with thoughts of 'YOU'. And when this peace arrives, it will be followed by the 'REAL' true feelings of ‘Love’, which has no traces of needs, wants, expectations, anger, jealousy or guilt attached to it.

I hope that you will eventually find your own fulfilment and to discover the ' true' passion which you want to seek so that things will be different for you and the lives that you touch.

Goodbye My Dearest...

and thoughts of YOU, when it comes,

will always be cherished.

Lastly, a poem by a friend that I wish to share with you ~

It is Not Me that You Want ~ by GG

Soon you will realise that no matter what I do,

it will never make you happy.

Even when you think you could try to be nice, entice me

into getting me to give you what you want.

You will realise, that nothing that I do or even say,
will ever make you happy.

The harder I try, I will find that you further away.

No matter how close I get to you,
you will not see me there…
I have become invisible to you,
totally unseen in your awareness…

You see, my love… it is not me that you want,
it is not the things that I do which makes you happy.
And if you keep going on and on at me,
You are no longer loving me, my love… you are hating me…

And if you are hating me, why would you want anything from me?
If you hate me so much, why do you want me near you?
Geez… you must really hate me…
to bestow such huge responsibility on me to make you happy…

Can you not see, my love…
the hurt that is subtly calling you?
It is not me that is causing it,
but it is you that is calling out to you…

If you had truly love me as you claim,
then release me of this burden.
Reclaim what has never left you,
which you thought you had given me.

I am here all the while, my love…
I’ve never left you…
Until you have seen yourself,
then can I appear once more…

WELCOME ANGER & HATRED

WELCOME ANGER & HATRED

The first thing that I explain to someone who is depressed is what depression is. It is actually a state where the good qualities of the mind have become weak but the bad qualities have become stronger. It is said that stress leads to depression. When the body is tired, the mind is tired, so one becomes easily angry. Then this anger grows until depression sets in. For me, it is then very clear that depression is a reduction in the good qualities of the mind, while meditation is a cultivation of its good qualities. That is so clear. If you meditate and start cultivating as much good qualities that you possibly can, and these actually grow, then depression will be gone. ~ Sayadaw U Tejaniya.

The words of this fantastic meditation teacher is exactly what happens when someone goes through depression. Not even a better explanation comes close to this. I have been studying and watching my mind since I came out from a retreat cum workshop 1 week ago. Watching and being with whatever is in the mind. Letting it come and just letting it be until it goes away and comes again. Times when you loose track of watching or stop being aware you will tend to join in the so –call party that is going inside the wilful mind.

These days, after recognising the cause and learning the tool to watch the mind, the physical alignment is back to normal. In fact, I feel much stronger and in tune with the both body functions and emotions, when previously all these were in chaos and havoc only 2 weeks ago. However, the mind has started to rewind all the remnants of the defilements once again. Often distracting the awareness, if one is not careful. The defilement this time is anger which suddenly arrived and has been staying around for few days. Quietly watching anger does it tricks, I also got sucked in unaware and unmindfully, giving in to its suggestions that the thoughts are real. Hey, but its fun to also play with anger when you feel frustrated and angry. To let off some unreleased steam and tension that has been left suppressed for quite awhile.

As long as we know that the anger thoughts are also just the remake of unpleasant scenes that has passed. The mind still holds on as the ego mind wants to play the role of being victimised. As I observe further to see why has anger arrived and stayed so long, it occurred to me that it is probably the dropping of the self-guilt that no longer wants to stay, therefore the mind is looking for someone to put the blame on. Therefore, peeling off the layer of self-guilt, the layer under that would be anger. Does this mean that I have forgiven myself ? Really letting go of the self-guilt and blame ? Hopefully so but yet to be ascertained.

Anger and hatred, a good combination. Since they are here, I will entertain them as my guests. They will eventually stay awhile and will leave too as like many other guests who have visited. I will be with them until they go, for when they go we will have new guests visiting ~ new thoughts transforming into another layer of emotions. Maybe defiled, maybe undefiled. Peeling all layers until we reach the ultimate true nature which was originally there, enabling the presence of inner peace and happiness once more.

Till then, welcome Anger & Hatred...

“The only devils in the world are those running in our own hearts.” - Gandhi

“Don’t turn away. Keep your gaze on the bandaged place. That’s where the light enters you.”

It’s sometimes not enough to just challenge our thoughts, we need something more. We need someone who is going to inspire us on a deeper level, emotionally, so we can face our pain (or keep our gaze on the bandaged place) and say, “I see that there is pain right now and I’ll care for it, I can do this.” Ultimately, even if we are inspired by a person outside of us, they are inspiring something within us that has been there all along. – Martin Luther King Jr.

Defiled states of mind

Depression – a mind when defilements takes over and the good qualities of the mind are missing.

This was the definition given by a meditation teacher. An explanation so lovely and comforting. One would never understand the real meaning of depression unless one goes through it.

A world where there is no joy, happiness & contentment at all. There‘s only anger, hatred, misperception, ill-feelings, self guilt, regrets, emptiness and the list goes on.. Your facade tries to be happy. Laughing and smiling the way you use to but deep down inside the pain – both emotional and physical is burning. You desire to feel happy but the happiness and joy just can't be felt at all. Drained to the extent that getting out from bed is a bad dream and stepping out your room is a nightmare. Mood & temperaments swings daily up and down just like a roller coaster ride. And it is a ride that you will never forget.

And then you question the mind; Why is this happening ? When will this stop ? How could an extremely positive and assertive person ever gets to feel the depth of this so called dis-ease of the mind? Is this called "going through depressing moments" or is this the depressed states of the mind? One will never know the difference. All that is felt are just sufferings and more sufferings swirling and emotions spiraling all the way down.

How can one understand the workings of this word call depression ?

Whenever the traumatic thought comes in the mind, the defiled emotions arises and transforms to a physical sensation in the body. It always does. This follows by the feelings of disintegration of the energies as the mind is pulled one way , the emotions the other way.

You use the mind when you try to look for solutions but who would have thought that the mind is actually the real culprit ? You are a slave to your mind. No, its not the mind, its the thoughts that goes on in the mind and the believe and clinging to the thoughts. You discover that a whole lot of defiled emotions such as fears, anger and guilt beneath the thoughts, supporting the thoughts like a strong stump supporting the growing branches of an old decaying tree.

Never a day , when you would want to get rid of this unpleasant going-ons in the mind but feeling just helpless and tired, wishing to cave in to the thoughts believing the authencity that they are real... and on & on it goes .. Day by day... hours by hours... minutes by minutes... moments by moments...

You know you will want to find a way out when you know that its actually all happening within one self.. Just knowing but how ? Ways unfold when it should unfold when you tell yourself that you have suffered enough !

A saying goes : You can never solve the same problem using the same mind..

I never realised to look at it from a different angle.

Knowing that the thoughts comes & goes makes you a stronger person ,and finally the tool is awareness.

Awareness makes you see that your thoughts are not what you are, your thoughts just comes & goes. Though thoughts of the moments of despair has gone, and holding on to that same thought, clinging to that same thought happens when your awareness is weak. And when we realise this , a little clarity comes along. Is this how the defilements stays ?

You mean we just give up holding on to our thoughts ? Question the thoughts ? Let go of the thoughts ? It was never ever anyone or anything that gives us depressed moments. Just our thoughts, holding on to them and feeding them. Be there when the defiled thoughts comes in, be very there also when it transpires to the emotions and the physical sensations in the body. Once when clear and strong awareness arrives, we will be able to understand what is it all about.

Understand how the mind works, bring in the awareness, clarity will follow. Clarity is when knowing what is is What Is. And this is when the defiled state of minds drops away by itself... and when that happens the undefiled qualities of the mind takes over. And this is when the inner peace and happiness replaces the emptiness and the feelings of endlessness. And this is what we aspire for ultimately...

A quote from a kind & loving teacher who helped ~
The spiritual aim is to let go, but it is not our job to do so. Rather, we cultivate the mind so that it becomes stable and is able to see things as they are. Then letting go happens without anyone letting go of anything.
Bikkhu Kumara

Unhappiness ultimately arises not from the circumstances of your life, but from the conditioning of your mind.
Eckhart Tolle